Afraid

I am afraid. It's not a fun way to feel--and in fact, we are told that it's not how God wants us to feel:

God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but the Spirit of power and love and self-control (2 Timothy:7, emphasis mine--gee, I've always wanted to say that!).

We feel fear for many reasons. A few that come to my mind include:
*the possibility of losing someone/something we love.
*lack of trust in the Providence of God.
*Facing any unknown, which is exacerbated by the second reason.

I am, in fact, facing all three of these things at once. The 'fear trifecta' if you will. And it's soooo ugly! I have a continuous inner dialogue, and for the purposes of humor, and in some ways honesty about the spiritual battle involved in temptation~~

*Ahem* Picture the Buggs Bunny cartoon during which he has a little angel on one shoulder and a little devil on the other. The dialogue goes something like this:

Angel-Everything will be fine. God is in control, NOT you...and you should be glad! You know that some of the things you have desired in the past would have been bad had they turned out how you wanted in your small-view of how things are.

Devil-HA! Look at how hard things are right now! If he (notice that God's name is NOT mentioned because it causes all the demons to cower--yep, just his NAME--make you think about using it for His Glory a little more often? I know that the idea of giving a demon a headache makes me a smile a little...anyway) REALLY loved you SO MUCH, why would He let you feel all the pain and suffering you are experiencing.

Buggs-Well, I know God loves me, and I know He has a plan...but it does really hurt sometimes and I just don't understand why. I keep feeling like if I could just have one less thing to juggle, it would be okay and I could handle it.

Angel-And since God wants you to give it all to Him--until you DO, He cannot help you the way He wants to. He doesn't want you to handle it. He may not remove every burden like you want, but He will give you the capacity to carry them all with His Grace.

Buggs-Yep,Angel, you are right. Any ideas on how we can get this little guy on my other shoulder to go away?

Angel-(giggles)-Yep. GOD,GOD,GOD!!!!

Bugg-Wow, he really did look just that hyena from the 'Lion King'.

And So....

I am going to now affirm the Truth that I know, for all who read far and wide to know about OUR GOD, and just how amazing He is:

*He wants only our GOOD because He LOVES us. We don't deserve it. He did not create human beings out of loneliness or need, but out of love.

*Sickness is NOT in His plan, it is the result of evil in world. He can heal us, but only with our full cooperation of the Will and complete Faith and Trust--which can be very hard to have at times.

*We are precious to Him~

4.Since I regard you as precious, since you are honoured and I love you, I therefore give people in exchange for you, and nations in return for your life.
5.Do not be afraid, for I am with you. I shall bring your offspring from the east, and gather you from the west.
6. To the north I shall say, 'Give them up!' and to the south, 'Do not hold them back!' Bring back my sons from far away, and my daughters from the remotest part of the earth,
7. everyone who bears my name, whom I have created for my glory, whom I have formed, whom I have made. (Isaiah 43:4-7)

Prayer would be very appreciated, especially on Tuesday as that is our appointment day. God Bless you all!!

Catch-up Time again! *Surrender*

I have discovered, upon reading other blogs (primarily on crocheting and Catholicism--cuisine, culture, etc.) that I must be a truly terrible blogger because unlike others who seem to make at least a peep of an appearance daily, especially with cute and creative things (these are some cute baby hats I am attempting as a very dear friend is expecting #5 in August:
http://knittogetherdesigns.blogspot.com/2010/06/knit-together-designs-rogue-cap.html and
http://knittogetherdesigns.blogspot.com/2010/06/knit-together-designs-rosalie-cap.html).
BTW, I don't know what her policy is on selling, etc., as I am not planning to sell these first few, but I am sure if you dedicate yourself to some time searching her blog it's there.

Anyway, things are good. REALLY good. Crazy, right? How can things be really good when Alex is sick and life is a crazy mess and I feel like I fail at all the things that matter (wife/mother/occupational therapist, etc, etc--oh yes, crocheter...). Because GOD IS GOOD. YES. AMEN. HALLELUJAH--aka Praise God.

Let me elaborate, because, frankly, I REALLY want to (and yes, this post will be full of excessive capitals, please prepare yourself). I have been feeling such a failure, as I mentioned. Seemed like I could not do anything right. And I was. I. Me. Alone. Independent. NOT depending on the Lord. And I was screwing it all up, and very well, thank you. I was sick (physically-bronchitis/laryngitis; spiritually-confused/hurt/angry/didn't know where to turn; emotionally-downtrodden and depressed). I am so thankful for a friend who helped me to turn it around--we are so blessed to have a community of believers to turn to when we get lost and can't find Him, even though we *think* we are looking in the right place--but in my case, I was looking in the mirror for answers and not to God, despite thinking I was looking in the right place. Frustrating, right?! But easy to do. I have discovered in my short and sweet-n-sour life (because really, it's never always one or the other!) that when I hit a brick wall, pick myself up, and do it again, and again, and AGAIN, it's usually because I am picking myself up and throwing myself into that wall. If I simply say, while lying on the ground, bleeding from my heart and soul--LORD, PICK ME UP, PLEASE! HELP ME TO SEE YOUR WAYS. HELP ME TO KNOW YOUR TRUTH. I CANNOT DO THIS ALONE AND I DON'T EVEN WANT TO. And yes....wait for it...I GIVE YOU ALL CONTROL OF MY LIFE (stings, don't it?! but not as much as that wall we've been getting a bit too close to) AND SURRENDER (not popular in our culture--at all)EVERYTHING TO YOU.

Okay, so back to the good stuff--Alex, the primary person this is about.
We got to the Westside again at the end of the month for final check ups, etc., and then we will go before the selection committee and get on THE LIST. Alex has actually been doing better physically, he is emotionally being challenged as it is hard not to get depressed and feel down when you feel like pooey much of the time. He is itchy, so we are getting a refill on the anti-itch meds (now with Group Health, so switching docs, etc.) and will get a pain consult a UWMC (henceforth, the University of Washington Medical Center shall be called UWMC to save me some keystrokes and lessen the likelihood of carpal tunnel). We found out that Alex's vitamin D (a hormone, actually not a vitamin, as a side note) was nearly so low it could not be calculated. So he is on 50,000 IU's weekly for 8 wks as well as daily. Hopefully this will remediate some pain issues and also help the depression.

So, we have so many people praying and we would like to ask for a few specifics:
*Alex's complete and total healing through Divine Grace.
*Alex's ability to maintain his blood sugars in the meantime.
*Relief of his pain issues.
*Lifting of the weight of depression he is experiencing.
*Strength and loving regard for one another in our family--this is hard to do in tough times, but then the most important.

Thank you everyone, and thanks for dealing with my on again/off again relationship with the blog.

God BLESS YOU all!!